ANIMALS
Daily Telegraph - August 2006

WE all like to think we know certain animals. So the news this week dolphins are much dumber than we thought came as a shock to many. Yet dolphins are not the only animals due for reassessment. My research has uncovered new studies re-thinking our assumptions on numerous animals. I present some of the more obscure findings:

* MULE stubbornness misunderstood, says activist.

Self-styled guru Jai Rasta XXIII is a man of fiery passions. “A mule is the offspring of a donkey and a horse,” he says. “This inter-breeding is threatening to a society as prejudiced as ours.” The firebrand community leader who once described Francis the Talking Mule as “an exercise in cultural appropriation” is not one to mince words. “Stubborn!'” he says, thumping the table. “Mules are ploughing fields and taking people up mountains - for what? When the revolution comes, stubborn will be the least of your problems, sucka.”

* FOX scheming misleading, says historian.

Leonard Brush is a man with a mission: to change the way we think of foxes. “Cunning as a fox is a complete misnomer,” the historian says. “Their characterisation as egg-stealing opportunists is nothing but vile propaganda spread by medieval kings who hated foxes. In truth, they are rather sincere, almost totally guilless animals.” He points to precedents to back this hypothesis, including an incident in the 18th century when a fox was installed on the Austrian throne to negotiate with the invading Ottomans. “Many hopes were laid upon the cunning arts of the beast,” wrote a contemporary British observer, “but ‘twas to no avail. The fox would wear neither robe nor crown and exhausted much energy gnawing at the Empress’ fine ankles.”

* STUDY: Collectors of Dolphin Paraphernalia Far Dumber Than Dolphins.|

Crystal Wand's home is a shrine to her favourite animal: the dolphin. There are hundreds of the creatures swimming through seas of crystal and porcelain. On the windows “stained glass” dolphin stickers filter the light, complimenting the centrepiece: an oil painting of a nuclear explosion watched by a dolphin shedding a single, glistening tear. “Dolphins can feel the Earth cry,” says Wand, a midwife and counsellor at the local Steiner School. “Have you ever seen a dolphin with a handgun?” An evangelist for alternative therapies, Wand is enthusiastic about the untapped healing power of “dolphin music”, which she uses to calm expectant mothers. “Dolphins are creatures of absolute love,'” she says of the animals, which practice infanticide and kill porpoises for fun. “They speak to me,” she adds, smiling vacantly while dusting her dolphin dream catcher.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008