BARNABY JOYCE
Daily Telegraph - May 2006

Ah, Barnaby Joyce. Even his name sounds like a comic invention. Not since Pauline Hanson has a Queensland political figure made the satirist's job so easy. This week Barnaby returned from a month in Antarctica and announced we should mine it - which is a little like returning from India and announcing that the Taj Mahal would make a good theatre restaurant. In celebration of Barnaby's recent recommendation, I give you a few other projects he might like to get behind:

* Barnaby Joyce's Slip 'n' Slide Daintree Wonderland:

A consortium of Gold Coast-based developers has announced the Daintree Rainforest will be converted into a water park. With an abundant natural water supply, the Daintree is ideal for such a project and, by manipulating already existing root systems of old growth rainforest, a network of channels could be linked to create what has been described as the ``largest naturally-occurring theme park in the world''.

* “Barney's”: luxury hotel and golf course, Uluru:

Welcome to Barney's, the first luxury hotel carved into the side of Uluru itself.

Experience a new definition of luxury as you enter the hollowed shell of this ancient world heritage site, now transformed into a world-class resort, golf course and plastic surgery clinic. Tired after your journey? Why not take the glass elevator to our rooftop whirlpool bath or have one of our trained natives gently pound your tired muscles with a healing nulla nulla massage. When you're done, enjoy a round of putt-putt at our Olgas mini-golf facility or just have a glass of chardonnay and watch the sun set over the uranium mine.

* Great Australian Art: what's it for?:

So many Australian paintings are simply sitting in our national institutions, gathering dust and providing thesis topics for egg heads. It's time to put them to good use. For instance, with only a few tasteful additions, such as scimitars and spraying arterial blood, a painting such as Tom Roberts' Shearing the Rams could become a valuable tool in promoting live sheep exports to Middle East. Halal-icious! Meanwhile, Sidney Nolan's Ned Kelly series could impart a powerful law and order message with the addition of speech bubbles saying “I am sorry” or “I cannot blame my childhood” or “I have read the victim impact statement and now deserve to die”.

* The Queensland Politician Homestay Experience:

Live with an actual Queensland political family and enjoy such activities as obstructing the passage of legislation, listing things you hate about city people or just kick back and demolish a heritage building.

Included in the package is an overnight excursion to Brisbane where you'll spend a leisurely afternoon counting cranes on the horizon before partying the night away at a prayer group meeting of your chosen denomination. Complimentary white shoes and Gideon's Bible.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008