BIG BROTHER
Daily Telegraph - May 2006

GEORGE Orwell, who wrote 1984 and invented the term Big Brother, once said that “doublethink” was the power to hold two contradictory beliefs in one's mind and accept both. It's a pity George didn't live to see the TV program he inadvertently created because it is in some ways a better articulation of his fears for humanity than his original novel. In evidence I present the Big Brother Doublethink Translator:

“I'm here for the experience”: If I wasn't here I'd be having “experiences” with prostitutes in Thailand.

“With me, what you see is what you get”: What you see is a narcissistic, argumentative slag with no ability to justify her opinions. This is also what you get.
“No offence'”: It is difficult to consciously cause offence when your comprehension of the universe is limited to yourself and your make-up case.

“I learnt a lot about myself in the house”: I learnt I am the sort of person who can sit in IKEA for five months with no intellectual stimulation other than a gang of obnoxious bogans who think swearing is repartee and farting wit.

“I haven't stopped partying since I was evicted”: I'm doing my best to compensate for the above realisation.

“I just want to show Australia what I'm capable of”: I hope my ex is watching when I get a hand job in the spa.

“I've made so many great friends in the house”: If I had done anything else in life but drink and watch TV then I might be familiar with the concept of Stockholm syndrome.

“I think I'm developing feelings for you'”: Finally, a man who can't pretend he has an early start in the morning.

“Of course, we'll see one another on the outside”: Realising that the nation is watching me manipulate desperately insecure girls somehow seems to take all the fun out of it.

“I have morals and standards”: My sex life is strictly between me and the disciplinary board of the NRL.

“It's not fair”: My moral understanding is roughly on par with a four-year-old, which is also why I'm unable to understand that notions of social justice are not foremost in the minds of producers of rubbish reality game shows.

“I am such a strong person”: I hate myself and want to die.

“She is so fake”: Where did she get her boobs done?

“I'm just a typical Aussie bloke”: I sure hope this was worth cancelling Thailand for.

“People don't like me because I'm honest”: The fact that I have no sense of irony is the only reason I can say things like this with a straight face.

“I'm just happy to have made it this far”: My case worker said I wouldn't make it past my 16th birthday.

“I can't believe I'm watching this”: Is my column really due in an hour?

© Brendan Shanahan 2008