DANTE'S INFERNO
Daily Telegraph - March 2006

AT the beginning of the 14th century, Dante wrote his Inferno, the first chapter of The Divine Comedy. In the concentric circles of Hell he placed the sinners of his day, and his message still has relevance.

In evidence, I present my Inferno of the Modern World:

Level one: Bicycle Couriers. You are not a rock star just because you have long hair and are rude to pedestrians. Their punishment is to ride an endless labyrinth of streets on a clown's bicycle while wearing too-tight Lycra bike pants.

Level two: People Who Use Text Message Abbreviations. These offenders will be forced to type the Complete Oxford English Dictionary into a
mobile phone using only their painfully broken thumbs. Guess what? Ur going 2 sufr 4 all eternity LOL!

Level three: People Who Talk Loudly in Video Stores About Movies. What is it with these guys? The main offenders are yuppie couples who want everyone to appreciate their extraordinary knowledge of film and insist on giving a running commentary while they decide which instalment of the Three Colours trilogy to hire. They will be forced to forever rent videos from a store stocked only with the later films of Paul Hogan on Beta.

Level four: Anyone Over 18 On a Skateboard or Scooter. If you like children's toys so much, you won't mind rolling at speed down a steep hill into a pile of really sharp Lego, over and over again, will you?

Level five: Bongo Drummers. Now this calls for some really grotesque torture. Choked with their own dreadlocks? Made to sit through an eternal Jon Butler solo? For forcing the world to listen to their inane rhythms, they will be put into sleep deprivation chambers. Just as they are drifting off, they will be rudely awoken by a deafening blast of percussion created by them during their lifetime. They will never sleep again. Ever.

Level six: Vegetarians. I considered making them eat one another, but instead all vegetarians will be sent to the Indonesian island of Sulawesi, notorious for its consumption of bizarre meats. In Hell there is no vegetarian option.

Level seven: Actually, there is no Level Seven. On legal advice, the editor deleted the original because he reckoned we'd get sued. Maybe Level Seven should be a permanent holding pen in hell for all lawyers - and editors.

Level eight: People Who Look Through Your Bookcase When They Come to Your Home. These people will be forced to host a perpetual party at which a never-ending stream of visitors makes snide remarks about their Dan Brown and Tom Clancy novels, which the hosts will have read and enjoyed thoroughly.

Level nine: Nicole Kidman. Ever wonder how you get to make movies like Stepford Wives, Bewitched and The Interpreter and still be the most famous woman in the world? Well, put it this way, pacts with Satan have their downside.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008