HARRY POTTER
Daily Telegraph - June 2006

THE news this week that JK Rowling may be killing off Harry Potter in the final instalment of the most popular series in history has inspired me to write a sequel to the film Misery.

Act 1
The dead of winter. JK Rowling awakes from a road accident, incapacitated and in a strange bed shaped like a racing car. She opens her eyes to see the face of a 10-year-old boy standing over her, grinning madly, clutching the manuscript of the latest and final instalment of the Harry Potter series.

“There's no need to worry,” he says. “I'm here now. My name is Kelvin and I'm your No.1 fan.”

Rowling looks at the room, the Mars Bar wrapper piles, empty Coke bottles and headless Ninja Turtle figurines.

“That's nice, but are your parents home?”

Kelvin shrugs and says, “Does it look like it?”

Act 2
“You dirty bird!” screams Kelvin, charging into the room, manuscript in hand.
“You murdered Harry! I demand a re-write!”

Rowling resists Kelvin's demands but the 10-year-old exacts terrible revenge.

Over the next few weeks he forces her to watch, repeatedly, the films of Hilary Duff, plants sharp bits of Lego in the carpet and changes his mobile phone ring tone to the Pussycat Dolls' Don't Cha.

Finally, desperately, Kelvin dishes out a savage beating. Punishing blows rain on Rowling until, in the ultimate act of rage, he hefts a giant hammer.

“I love you so much,” he says as he smashes her legs to pieces. Rowling, infuriated, hurls her control pad across the room.

“That's it Kelvin! I am never playing Mortal Kombat with you ever again.”

Kelvin bursts into tears and demands she buy him the latest PlayStation.

Act 3
Rowling has an escape plan.

“Kelvin!” she calls sweetly.

“Kelvin, the book is done. Harry lives and he and Hermione invent a magic iPod made out of Doritos.”

Kelvin is ecstatic but before Rowling will let him read it she has one request.

“I always have a cigarette when I finish a book.”

Kelvin eyes her suspiciously.

“Mummy says smoking is a filthy habit.”

Rowling smiles. “I know, darling, but pop down the shops and get me a pack of fags.”

Soon after, Kelvin returns accompanied by child welfare officers. Rowling is arrested for conspiracy to smoke in front of a child and Kelvin is taken into care.

After six months of trauma counselling he is released, appearing on ACA and is showered with gifts from sympathetic companies. Rowling sits in jail, cursing the fickle world of publishing as Dan Brown's new book, Larry Trotter and the iPod of Chips, becomes a global smash.

The final scene leaves us with JK Rowling, a broken figure, forgotten in a lonely cell, cursing all children and reliving endlessly the terrible events of that winter.

Fade to black. Credits roll.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008