IMMIGRANT TESTS
Daily Telegraph - September 2006

THERE has been much talk in recent weeks on forcing prospective immigrants to undergo training in Australian culture or sign so-called “loyalty oaths”.

As a native Australian I regard these proposals as tokenistic and discriminatory. I would easily fail the requirements for “mateship” or a “fair go”, being notoriously bitchy, a cheater and unable to sing the national anthem if you put a gun to my head.

I would, however, be lying if I said some social breaches I have seen among new arrivals to Sydney have left me entirely without reservations. There is, after all, a line between being snobby and uptight and having the right to be disgusted when - as happened last month at a Vietnamese restaurant - the man at the table next to me began to clip his fingernails.

Forget oaths; my proposal is more concrete. Let's consider a series of simple etiquette instructions, a pamphlet distributed nationwide explaining some of the fundamental social niceties in Australia. As one who travels often, I can attest that such documents are useful and welcome.

In China, for instance, I tolerated a lot, spitting mostly - on pavements, the floors of trains and even in hotel rooms. And I understand that in a nation of a billion people there is little room for niceties, especially on public transport. But in Australia, the country with the lowest population density on Earth, if there is standing room at the back of the bus, might not people be gently reminded to move there?

The etiquette pamphlet would be just one part of my wider campaign. Cinema managers, for instance, may consider displaying alongside reminders that smoking is prohibited some other specific bans, possibly in several languages. Perhaps along the lines of, “Please refrain from answering your mobile phone and having a long and voluble conversation with your parents in Hong Kong,” or “For the comfort of other patrons, do not translate the following film into Korean for your classmates from the engineering department.”

Is this racist? Strictly speaking: Probably. Yet unlike the proposed “Australian culture” exams, these guidelines would be distributed to all people in Australia, regardless of their ethnicity or length of stay in the country. Surely no one could argue that teenage girls should be reminded while Brett is almost certainly hot for Tracey this should be discussed at a low volume, preferably not on a packed express to Parramatta.

I have travelled the world and offended countless local sensibilities. I have touched heads in Thailand and eaten with my left hand in India. In Germany, I grew a toothbrush moustache and goosestepped down the street (luckily you can still be rude to the Germans and no one cares). But I have yet to visit a country so difficult to understand it required a written contract.

In my pamphlet the first and primary rule will be simple: Empathy.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008