MODERN SAINTS
Daily Telegraph - September 2007

News reports this week suggest that a possible miracle cure for a Sydney woman may mean Mary MacKillop is fast-tracked to become an Australian saint. What many don't realise, however, is that she will not be the first. Here's a list of other great Aussie saints:

Saint Phillip Adams the Smug, Patron Saint of the ABC: Contemporary records speak of St Phillip Adams' ability to levitate simply by meditating on his own sense of self-satisfaction, which devotees claimed could heal them of illnesses and impure desires, like the sudden urge to cross the road when they see a group of drunken Aborigines or the thought they would like to have more Muslim friends but don't know where to meet them in Balmain.

Saint Schapelle of Kerabokan, Patron Saint of Dealers: Immediately recognisable by her attributes -- the crossed dope leaf and eyebrow pencil -- St Schapelle is said to watch over all dope dealers, keeping them safe and masking the glow of their heat lamps from passing police choppers. She has appeared in many visions.

Saint Missy Higgins, Patron Saint of Really Amazing High School Girls Who Were Encouraged to Express Themselves Through Bad Art: Founder of the Order of Quite Boring Girls Who Equate Walking Around in Bare Feet With Being Interesting and Free, St Missy Higgins has been an inspiration to a generation of teenagers blessed with mediocre gifts, proof that deep insipidness should be no handicap to success.

Saint Peter de Costello, Patron Saint of Thwarted Ambition: Martyred during the 1996 federal election, St Peter de Costello is regarded as one of the most tragic of modern saints. His miracles were many, among them the power to change an economic boom into interest rate hikes, and those who saw his smirk say it filled them with the immediate desire to vote Labor.

Saint Kerry Nettle, Patron Saint of Insanely Unreasonable Environmental Demands: Kerry Nettle was a very, very good woman who cared very, very much about the environment. One day Kerry got so sad seeing what had happened to mother earth that God (who isn't even real, by the way) took pity on her and she ascended into heaven where there are no people or jobs, just trees and dolphins and cheap amethyst jewellery.

Saint Benjamin Cousins of West Australia, Patron Saint of Clubbers: Legend has it that St Cousins visits meth-heads while they are sleeping, leaving zip-lock bags of pills and small gifts of cash to cover court costs under their pillows.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008