POSSUMS
Daily Telegraph - February 2008

Very early last Sunday morning I woke up with a possum in my bed.

Firstly, I would like to make it clear that this is not a euphemism, as in, “man, that is definitely the last time I go to Kings Cross looking for possums”. This was an actual possum, a wild animal with fur and whiskers and a pair of blinking eyes staring 3cm from my own.

Now, if I lived in a Nationals electorate, waking up being molested by a marsupial at 2am might not have been so unthinkable. But in the middle of a city of 4.5 million, in a home within walking distance of three organic bakeries and 24-hour access to cold pressed olive oil, the feeling of whiskers and a wet nose on my cheek came as a shock.

Sydney is in the grip of a possum plague.

The Botanical Gardens is culling them and desperate residents throughout the city are, apparently, resorting to chilli powder and even poison. But all to little effect. Lets face it: after the nuclear war these things will feast on our corpses.

I blame Clover Moore.

You see, Clover has a vision called City of Villages whereby all the citizens of inner-Sydney are encouraged to cycle to work with strings of garlic about their necks, calling Bonjour! to one another before returning home to milk their cows and make triple-cream brie.
As part of the City of Villages, Clover is transforming a wasteland at the back of my home into an eco-park.
This all sounds very noble, but in doing so she has displaced the possums who once lived, frolicked and ate garbage there - forcing them into local homes to look for food and have sex on our garden furniture.

At last count I'm down a tray of mangoes and half a box of apples.

For a while I was able to laugh it all off - the midnight, broom-wielding confrontations and a living room carpeted in fruit salad. I draw the line, however, at sharing my bed with wildlife - when I say I'm an animal lover I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

In frustration I rang the City of Sydney Council, explained the situation and asked what they were going to do about it. They told me I would have to contact Parks and Wildlife. When I pointed out that it was the council that had displaced the possums in the first place and that, coming from an organisation attempting to ban the sale of pets in pet shops this was pretty rich, it was suggested that I put my point in writing to the Lord Mayor.

OK: Dear Lord Mayor, very early last Sunday morning I woke up with a possum in my bed.

© Brendan Shanahan 2008