PRINCE HARRY
Daily Telegraph - August 2006

To be fair to Prince Harry, all these girls look the same. The fact the picture turned out to be three years old and was taken before he went out with his current girlfriend is a moot point. I mean, how many Ophelia Trumpet-Blyth-Tomatoes can you grope before they all blur into one?

Despite my family's rabid republicanism, I am fascinated by the royals. (Actually, it's probably because of their republicanism that I am - in my house it was like listening to Black Sabbath or getting a mohawk.) My interest centres on the fact the royals are the only people remaining in Western society who, by virtue of an accident of birth, are famous for being nothing more than themselves. Even Paris Hilton has to pose for photos and attend parties if she wants to stay in the paper. But the aura of royalty never leaves those afflicted.

Of all the current crop of royalty, I like Harry the best. Sure, he might be a rugger-bugger who seems to enjoy wearing a uniform more than is healthy, but he's never been guilty of the most serious crime - being boring. Furthermore, unlikely as it might sound, I feel a bit sorry for him.

It is of course hard to feel pity for royalty. Princes are lucky and these princes more than most. As the sons of Diana, we will forgive Will and Harry anything: drugs, sex, Nazi armbands -- Pee Wee Herman's career was ruined for far less. (Their father must be feeling rather hard done by. After all, almost nobody ever liked him and all he ever did was say he wanted to be a tampon and criticise architecture. And there are some who still won't forgive his taste in architecture.)

Yet, no matter how badly behaved the princes are, the central absurd dilemma of royalty remains. Imagine waking up and being told millions of people expect certain things of you, your behaviour and responsibilities are fixed. Then imagine realising that, even if you are co-operative, nothing you do will ever amount to a hill of beans. This is the dilemma Harry finds himself in and this is why I have a feeling his behaviour is only going to worsen.

One day, William will probably be king. Whether he wants to be or not, at least it's a goal.

Harry, on the other hand, has a life of regattas, polo and the occasional smashing of a bottle of champagne on a ship to look forward to.

If Harry had been born poor, he'd be hanging out at the skate park vandalising playground equipment. He has no apparent academic or artistic talents. There is no way he can fight in a war, as he has demanded. In fact, he can never do anything to suit his temperament.

Harry is having a good time, not because he's spoilt and debauched, grieving for his mother or a lovable scamp, but because he has no other choice

© Brendan Shanahan 2008