COMMONWEATH
GAMES
Daily Telegraph
I HAVE always been sceptical about the Commonwealth Games; partly because I
don't understand sport, full stop, but mostly because I find the spectacle of
some Australian cyborg, coached by virtual reality and fed a diet of food grown
on the Moon, kicking the crap out of someone whose only training consisted of
not dying before his third birthday faintly ridiculous.
After all, if there's a country I just love to beat, I mean really stomp on,
it's Antigua. And as for Lesotho: well, don't get me started, coming over here
with their “We're the best landlocked country in the world” attitude
and their average life of expectancy of 39. Who do they think they are?
My turning point was the thrilling 5000m race on Monday featuring Craig Mottram,
won by Augustine Choge.
A late conversion, I realise, but I like long distance running, it lessens the
humiliations of my teenage years when I see skinny, gangly-looking freaks like
myself actually being good at PE. Now I can't stop watching the damn Games.
In the last week I have discovered a passion for women's weightlifting, speed
cycling and don't get me started on those crazy little Asian girls and their
ping pong. Currently I'm cheering for the seven athletes from Sierra Leone who
are now, apparently, jogging their way to a cab licence in Sydney. Run, my friends;
Run like the wind!
It's no secret the Commonwealth Games is not exactly an elite competition. When
fastest man in the world Asafa Powell, for instance, was asked whether he felt
any pressure in the 100m final he could only stammer, “Well, well, no.”
After all, being a Commonwealth citizen is a little like being a member of a
nightclub that was exclusive 20 years ago but these days has sticky purple carpet,
mirrored ceilings and ladies night every Tuesday. However, like your favourite
club it has a certain daggy charm that ensures you'd probably have more fun
there than if you were at Studio 54, circa 1978.
The Commonwealth Games is really just about shared experience. It is a celebration
of the fact that, bizarre as it might seem, I have things in common with people
from tiny Caribbean islands, despotic African republics and assorted Celtic
nations who are let out once every four years to compete under their own flag.
As someone who is physically useless I am not moved by the spirit of competition.
Indeed, I believe sport is, at its core, ruthless and Darwinian. The notion
of a competitive games was, after all, invented by the Ancient Greeks who were
not sentimental about cheating and even killing one another.
Perhaps, this is what I like about the Commonwealth Games -- sport is secondary.
They are the only games on earth where someone can turn up and, maybe, lift
a weight because 200 years ago we all had the dubious fortune to be conquered
by the same people.
If ever there was a reason to celebrate being a loser, the Commonwealth Games
is it.
© Brendan Shanahan 2008